An American Horror Story

It’s that time of year; the season when Halloween pop-up stores appear on every corner, large bags of candy clog check-out lines, and people purposely bring their skeletons out of the closet. It had me thinking about the history behind the celebration. Halloween is an ancient holiday on which people believed they needed masks to protect themselves from bad spirits that roamed the earth on All Hallows’ Eve. Thousands of years later, people are still wearing masks – just a different kind. This year seemed particularly scary as we are living in a true American Horror Story. Between the election and COVID, isn’t it ironic that when mask-wearing in public has become the norm, Halloween has been canceled? Maybe there is something behind the ancient folklore after all. I just wish 2020 came with its own soundtrack so I knew when to cover my eyes.

The world can be a bruising place for emotionally sensitive people. A regular day can feel like being attacked by horror-genre killer bees. A natural response is to do whatever works to avoid the pain of believing others have judged, rejected, or left you out. Feeling powerless to stop injustice adds to the hurt. One option is to wear a mask and hide who you really are known as an Avoidance Mask.  You know, avoid all the pain and protect your authentic self as well. An Avoidance Mask is different from a Functional Mask. A Functional Mask is one everyone needs.  That’s the one you wear at work when you need to look like you’re in charge even though you are silently struggling to put one foot in front of the other.

One of the most common reasons we wear masks is what I think of as the Imposter Syndrome—the fear that the world is going to find us out. The emotional masks we hide behind are because of fear and anger. All masks serve a function. They protect you from ill-intentioned people, but when overused they cause a problem. All masks exist to help you in moderation, but when you wear them too much, you run the risk of losing track of who YOU are.

There are three practical reasons why we should shed our masks and believe me it took a lot of therapy to recognize each one. The first is to live our potential. There are numerous people who have our same skillsets, or maybe an even better one. But none of these people bring the same personality, creativity, and spirit to the world that you do.  That’s something they can’t match. The irony is that we often mask that part of ourselves in life and lose our greatest potential. The second reason is relief. It is exhausting to live an inauthentic life. You put on a mask or two, then take a few off, then put on a couple more. Faking it is fatiguing. The most exhausting activity is pretending to be what you know you aren’t. The third reason is healing. When we wear masks, we carve a piece of ourselves out—withholding parts of ourselves as unworthy. But in relationships, we can’t be truly healed unless we offer up all the pieces. It’s like handing someone a broken vase and asking him or her to fix it but holding back two or three of the broken pieces.

Now that we are mandated to wear a mask, can’t you feel the weight of it? We weren’t born with masks. We put them on, so we can take them off. Imagine, for just a moment, a world where no one cared what car you drove, what designer handbag you carried, or if you belong to the popular “it” club. Can you sense the freedom? If you want people to love you for who you are, take the mask off. It is a vulnerable thing to do and requires a great deal of courage. Seeing you maskless is an earned privilege for those who offer you unconditional positive regard: love and acceptance. When you choose to take off your mask – to be your authentic self – you’re putting your heart on the table and saying “please, this is fragile… take good care of it.” With the wrong person, this can be a dangerous thing to do; with the right person, it breeds the kind of connection that we all yearn for.

If we look to popular culture, mask-wearing is again associated with a kind of transgression. Batman, Robin, and the Lone Ranger wear masks, not just to keep their true identities a secret, but to enable their “ordinary selves” to step into these larger-than-life roles. But are masks harming you, by creating resistance to life's natural movement? Most of us can tell when we're in the presence of an authentic human being, one who isn't "putting on a show," they are just true to their humanness. This comfort is felt because, in their presence, we can sense our own authenticity and we sense the deep peace this brings. One of our greatest fears is that if we show our true selves, the world will say, “Oh, it’s just you.” But being just you is actually the best and most perfect thing you could ever be. As Oscar Wilde said, “Be yourself; everyone else is taken.” There is no trick or treat in real life, only ordinary people hiding behind layers of insecurities. So if you are tired of wearing a mask, please take it off around me. I promise to like the real you – warts and all.