Marriage … You’re in it for life in theory. “Wait — this is your third wife? Oh my God! Why do you keep getting married? What’s the point of getting married?”
There is just something you feel from people when they realize you are not the first wife; like you are the consolation prize, only second place, or worse, the reason there is no first wife anymore. One of the disadvantages of not being the first wife is that for some reason, people are far less accepting of you.
Being a second wife to a married man can be overwhelming, and if you are not cautious enough, you might find yourself stuck in a loop of insecurities. A second wife might ask of herself, what it was about the first that he loved. She might even worry that if he lost interest in his first wife that he will also lose interest in her. But second doesn't have to mean second best.
My husband’s first two marriages came out of a deep love, but they also came out of something deeply flawed: A sense of obligation. Our own marriage came from a different place: He really wanted it, and the only obligation he had was to his own desires. Selfishly we didn’t have to worry about the demands of starting a new career, the stress of birthing and raising children, or the need to have alone time. We enjoy being together simply because we are friends. Our only shared role is to be good partners which means encouraging personal autonomy. There are no scorecards.
You might be wondering what my reasons were for being open to marrying a guy who’s been divorced twice. I suppose the same qualities that made me so right for him made him so right for me. I come from chaos: My family is the poster child for dysfunction. I understand very well that how someone appears to be on the surface is often never even close to the real story below. Judging someone is an entirely superficial and socially imposed status designation. Failure, dysfunction, and lessons learned are how people succeed in life. To discount someone based on their past failings would be both trivial and short-sighted.
But let’s be real. There are still many questions that you need to ask yourself if you are going to become the third wife. Will he drop you when things get tough? Are some people just not meant to stay married, and will they just keep making the same mistakes over and over?
What I have learned, and maybe this helps because there was another wife between us, is that David’s first wife and I have one very important thing in common. We love the family. It's not my story. It’s our story, and there are a lot of chapters still left to write. Just because you loved the same person at different times is no reason to be jealous or resentful. Your goal is the same. To love all the players in it.
I may be the third wife, but if David and I make each other our first priority, I’m guaranteed to be the last. Well, that and he can’t afford to get divorced again. And that is security enough for me.
Roasted Broccoli, Garlic & Cheddar Soup
INGREDIENTS
- 1 pound broccoli florets, cut into small pieces
- 1 whole head garlic, top cut off
- 3-4 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
- salt and pepper
- 1/3 cup butter
- 1 large yellow onion, chopped
- 1/3 cup all-purpose flour
- 2 cups good-quality chicken stock
- 3 cups half-and-half, (or whole milk)
- 1 teaspoon fresh cracked black pepper
- 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper, or more to your taste
- 1/2 teaspoon cracked black pepper, or more to your taste
- 1 teaspoon Better Than Boullion Roasted Chicken Base
- 1 teaspoon Dijon mustard or mustard powder
- 2 large carrots, peeled and grated (or 1 1/2 cups)
- 2 cups extra sharp cheddar cheese
INSTRUCTIONS
- Preheat oven to 400°F.
- Cut the broccoli into large bite-sized pieces and trim off the bottom of the stalk and place on a baking sheet. Cut top off garlic bulb and nestle into garlic.
- Drizzle with olive oil and season with salt and pepper. Roast until the heads darken in places and the stalks are fork tender, 30-35 minutes. You may need to wrap the garlic in aluminum foil and cook for an additional 10-15 minutes or until garlic is tender.
- Melt the butter in a large pot or Dutch oven over medium heat. Saute the onion until fragrant (about 3 minutes). Whisk in the flour and cook for a few minutes or until golden brown.
- Reduce heat to medium-low and slowly pour in the chicken stock and half-and-half, stirring well to combine and dissolve the flour into the liquid. Season with salt and pepper, cayenne, mustard and bouillon. Mix well and allow to cook and thicken for about 5 minutes, while stirring occasionally.
- Add in the broccoli, carrots, and pulp from garlic. Gently simmer for another 10 minutes, until broccoli falls apart tender. Reduce heat and mix in cheese and stir until just combined.
- Transfer 1-2 cups mixture to a blender. Blend to consistency and add back to the pot. Taste test and add in extra salt and/or pepper, if desired.
