Driving Miss Crazy

Intimate partners count on each other to maintain a “sane” interaction. In short, that means they have a common reality they both share so that each believes the other will see things in approximately the same way. Though they might not always like what they hear or see, they are not typically faced with unexpected surprises or unpredictable outcomes. Such is not the case if you’re on the end of a crazy-making partner. This breed of intimate relationship dweller does the opposite of maintaining a sane interpersonal environment. Instead, you never know how they are going to react to a given situation. When you think you know what to expect or how to deal with them, they change the rules, seemingly arbitrarily. When you try to get them to acknowledge what they are doing by weaving the past into the present, they don’t agree with your account of what happened.

In a nutshell, my husband is Morgan Freeman and I’m Driving Miss Crazy.

If you are involved with a crazy-making partner, don’t think you’re alone. You probably had no idea you were getting into this no-win relationship when it began. If the emotional and sexual connections were rewarding, you may have been intrigued by the Houdini-like escape pattern. Though unsettling, your partner was not boring. You couldn’t easily figure out what was going on, and you probably liked the challenge, so you became an eager relationship sleuth, avidly assembling clues that seem to make the next move more predictable.

If you are the insane one, you probably didn't start out as a control freak, but you might have realized that you morphed into one. As your confusion increased, you probably felt a stronger need to make things happen the way they should, while your partner accused you of micromanaging. The variables didn’t add up, but you were determined to hang in there and solve the situation by wits and endurance. But this crazy-making partner is not driven by malevolent motives. Food fights can cause heartburn for couples, and I’m learning that you can lead your spouse to vegetables, but you can’t make him eat.

In our house, salad lives dangerously at the intersection of masculinity and health, and I am doing my best to break through the roadblock of stubbornness impeding our wellness journey. Last week I actually said to my husband that he had to eat three bites of his kale before being excused. Now hear me out. My husband rations his food at dinner so that he can have two individual ice creams a night. From one Fat Boy to another, the man loves his ice cream, but maintaining a healthy balance at his age is important. He is going to eat the ice cream regardless of what he eats during the day. My job as a loving wife is to stabilize his diet. Look I know that I’m crazy and he is a too-good-to-be-true partner in life, so I want to make sure he is around for a long, long time. Who else is going to put up with all my backseat driving?

Over the course of our marriage, I have encouraged the “baby step” approach into real food. And yes, if you have a semi-devious side, this is where it can actually benefit your marriage. It’s called the bait and switch. I’m not saying be dishonest, but when you can, sneak healthy foods into his meals. Disguise the healthy with tasty.  Over time, add more and more of something until it becomes routine.  If he doesn’t ask what’s in it… well, you may not want to tell him.  If he wants to know what’s in it, say “You may not want to know.” Last night I switched his iceberg lettuce out for Napa cabbage and threw off the scent with crunchy things on top. We were both so proud that he not only ate it but enjoyed it, that he declared he should be rewarded with three Fat Boys for desert. I didn’t discourage it. For now, I’ll let him think he's in the driver's seat, but we both know that I am still the one navigating this journey.