David and I just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary, and I started thinking about how much my life has changed in the last decade. With reflection, I've decided that with divorce the circle of the wedding ring doesn’t necessarily break, sometimes it just expands. It takes two very determined, very mature, and very level-headed people to not only survive a second marriage but to be happy in it. Ex-spouses are ex-spouses for a reason. These reasons usually differ, depending on which ex you talk to; but ultimately, these two people are just fundamentally different—different in their definition of love and marriage.
Relationships come and go, and that’s to be expected. What’s not typically expected is being the second wife. Somehow, you probably have always pictured marriage as two young people sharing a lifetime together. It doesn’t mean that it can’t be wonderful. It doesn’t mean that it won’t last. It just means that being a second comes with a lot of challenges along the way.
When kids of any age are involved, it can feel like an ex-spouse is an ex only in the sense he or she isn't in your bed. Raising kids or grandchildren with an ex means communication still has to take place, attending events for the sake of the kids happens, and generally having the ex as a part of your life is unavoidable. Being a first wife to a man who has also remarried has given me unique insight. It's not how you choose to tolerate someone but how you choose to include them in this new chapter that can make or break a relationship. Remember you are now part of their narrative, too.
Being married to a divorced man not only means loving someone new but loving their past as well. I never dreamed about marrying a divorced man, but with patience, respect, and boundaries, I have learned to love his story and all the players in it. It’s scary to sign up for round two of something that exploded in your face the first time. Men and women in their second marriages deserve compassion and a second chance at a happily ever after.
One of the benefits of being a second wife I discovered was the ability to avoid mistakes made by the first (and in my case the second) wife. When divorced people date, their new partners are naturally curious about the reasons why their marriage crumbled. As I heard my husband's side of the story, I learned a lot about what bothers him, what makes him feel overlooked what makes him feel unsupported. I don't wish divorce on anyone, but if you find yourself dating a divorcee, learn from his or her past. It can protect your future with them, and make for a very happy, healthy relationship. Show your spouse their decision to give marriage another chance was the best choice of their life. And I promise you; you will feel even more loved in return.
Maricel Presilla’s Mayan Pepita-Chicken Stew
This rustic chicken stew is seasoned with a carefully toasted mix of seeds and spices, which are ground into a coarse paste with roasted tomatoes and tomatillos. Stirred into the stew toward the end of the cooking process, the paste both thickens and seasons this warming fall dish. Just like a second marriage, this dish takes a lot of time, patience, and skill, but in the end, it is totally worth it.
INGREDIENTS
- 2 pounds chicken drumsticks
- 2 pounds boneless, skinless chicken thighs
- 4 1/4 teaspoons kosher salt, divided
- 1 teaspoon coarsely ground black pepper
- 2 garlic heads, divided
- 3 quarts water
- 1 large bunch fresh cilantro
- 1 bunch fresh spearmint
- 1 small bunch scallions, green parts cut into 3-inch pieces
- 2 medium-size white onions, ends trimmed, peeled, and cut in half crosswise, divided
- 1 tablespoon black peppercorns, divided
- 1 tablespoon whole allspice, divided
- 1 (3-inch) Ceylon cinnamon stick, broken into small pieces
- 1/4 cup raw pepitas
- 2 tablespoons white sesame seeds
- 1 pound small plum tomatoes, cored
- 1/2 pound fresh tomatillos, husks removed
- 1 jarred roasted red bell pepper, coarsely chopped (about 1/2 cup)
- 2 teaspoons achiote paste
- Chopped fresh cilantro and mint, for garnish
- Chile-Cacao Spice Mix, for serving
- Corn tortillas and cooked long-grain white rice, for serving
INSTRUCTIONS
Plan on at least 4 hours to prepare.
- Place chicken drumsticks and thighs in a large bowl, and season with 1 teaspoon salt and ground pepper; set aside.
- Cut 1 garlic head in half crosswise. Peel cloves from the remaining garlic head, and set aside. Combine halved garlic head, 3 quarts water, cilantro bunch, spearmint bunch, scallions, 2 onion halves, 2 teaspoons black peppercorns, 2 teaspoons allspice, and 1 tablespoon salt in a large stockpot. Bring to a boil over medium-high. Reduce heat to medium-low, and simmer for 20 minutes.
- Add chicken to pot; return to a boil over high. Reduce heat to low, cover, and simmer, skimming off and discarding foam occasionally, until chicken is tender but not falling apart, about 30 minutes. Remove chicken pieces with a slotted spoon, and transfer to a large bowl; cover with plastic wrap until ready to use. Pour broth through a fine wire-mesh strainer into a bowl (you should have about 9 cups of broth); discard solids. Wipe stockpot clean, and return strained broth to pot; set aside.
- Heat a large cast-iron skillet over medium-high 2 minutes. Reduce heat to medium; add cinnamon stick, remaining 1 teaspoon peppercorns, and remaining 1 teaspoon allspice. Cook, stirring constantly, until fragrant, about 15 seconds. Transfer to plate; let cool 5 minutes. Add pepitas and sesame seeds to skillet; cook, stirring constantly, until lightly toasted, about 40 seconds. Transfer to a plate; let cool for 5 minutes. Process cinnamon mixture in a spice grinder until finely ground, about 15 seconds; transfer to a small bowl. Working in batches, add pepita mixture to a spice grinder, and process until finely ground, about 15 seconds. Transfer to a separate small bowl.
- Add half of the tomatoes, half of the tomatillos, and 1 onion half to skillet. Cook over medium-high, turning occasionally, until lightly charred, about 10 minutes. Transfer tomato mixture to a blender. Repeat with remaining tomatoes, remaining tomatillos, and remaining onion half. Add roasted bell pepper, peeled garlic cloves, and ground cinnamon mixture to a blender. Process on low speed, gradually increasing speed to high, until mixture is smooth, about 40 seconds.
- Stir tomato mixture into strained chicken broth in the pot. Bring to a boil over high. Reduce heat to medium, and simmer, stirring occasionally, until flavors meld, about 30 minutes.
- Meanwhile, whisk together achiote paste and 1/4 cup simmering broth mixture in a small bowl until blended and smooth. Whisk achiote mixture and ground pepita mixture into simmering broth in the pot. Return to a simmer over medium. Cook, stirring occasionally until stew has thickened slightly to the consistency of heavy cream, about 30 minutes. Stir in the remaining 1/4 teaspoon salt. Gently return cooked chicken pieces to stew. Increase heat to medium-high, and cook until warmed through, about 5 minutes.
- To serve, divide chicken pieces among 6 serving bowls; ladle stew over chicken. Garnish with chopped cilantro and mint. Serve with chile-cacao spice mix, tortillas, and rice.
Notes: Look for achiote paste (a blend of annatto, oregano, black pepper, garlic, and warm spices) at Latin markets.
