I’m Tellin’ Your Mama

There are three things most Southerners do on a fall weekend – watch college football, go to church and call their mothers. Here are 10 universal ways to know if you were raised by a Southern mama.

1. You know table etiquette. You never begin eating until everyone is seated and someone has said Grace. You never put your elbows on the table, talk with your mouth full, or reach over someone to grab something. Before getting up from the table, you must excuse yourself, and once granted permission, you always say thank you and clear your own plate.
2. You awoke in the morning to a song or a phrase like “Good Mornin’ Sunshine” or “Wakey, wakey, eggs, and bakey!” Upon waking you were expected to make your bed, and failure to do so could result in a spanking – yes, a real spanking. On the other hand, good behavior was often rewarded with a treat in the checkout line at Piggly Wiggly – but you knew NEVER to ask for it first.
3. You know the magic words. Your response to any command was yes ma’am/no ma’am, yes sir/no sir. You always said please and thank you, and on special occasions a handwritten thank you note was expected to be mailed immediately. You may have been sent to an etiquette or cotillion class, where you learned how to how to behave like a proper lady or gentlemen.
4. When you heard your mother’s high-pitched whistle from down the street, you came running. If you chose to ignore this summons, it was only a matter of time before your friends’ mother would relay the message – since all Southern moms seemed to be in constant communication with each other. You’ve been told the dreaded words “I’m tellin’ your Mama!” more than once.
5. You had a list of chores you had to complete after school before you were free to roam the neighborhood with your friends, at which point you would spend the rest of the daylight hours barefoot and outside. Your mother may have taken this opportunity to lock you out of the house so she could vacuum the living room carpets or watch her stories. You knew that it was time to come home when the streetlights turned on.
6. You had a special section of your closet reserved for your “Sunday clothes.” These were off-limits unless you were going to church, the pediatrician, or a holiday event. While church was always dreaded, you looked forward to the casseroles, mac-n-cheese, and meat and gravy meal that followed. If you lazily threw your clothes on the bed (or heaven forbid let them touch the floor!) you may have heard, “Wait until your father gets home!”
7. You grew up thinking you had a lot more aunts and uncles than you actually did. Southern parents love to refer to their best friends as family, but eventually, you realize these people aren’t actually related. Good friends were Ms. or Mr. First Name, and every other adult was Mrs. And Mr. Last Name – no matter how many times they constructed you otherwise or how old you got.
8. There were entire sets of china, and even whole rooms in the house, that were never used except on holidays. Although you ate family meals at the kitchen table, the dining room was always in view. This room was much bigger and fancier, but you only entered once you graduated from the kids’ table.
9. Dad had guns and moms got a piano. Boys learned how to shoot and clean a gun at a very young age, and there was always an extra freezer in the garage for the prized game. Girls would have to spend hours sitting with our mothers or grandmothers learning how to play the piano.
10. Every bathroom had a bowl of potpourri and monogrammed towels. There was always a daily devotional to read or a Southern Living magazine to leaf through. And may God help you if you ever dared to use the sacred hand towel.

No matter how strict or archaic some of these may sound to an outsider, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I still dress up to go to the doctor’s, have guest towels my boys know not to touch and still refer to my parent's friends as Mrs. or Mr. There is no love like the one between mother and child. A true Southerner never wants to disappoint their mama, and deep down, we all know that you never get too old for a spanking.