Leftovers Again?

There’s probably a worse name than “leftover” for those of us who are much older, having been married and divorced or widowed, or never married and remain single. In Western culture the names for never married have been “spinster” or “old maid;” however, there is no word for the older divorcees and widows. To say women are leftover means they are commodities on a market and haven’t been selected or chosen by the consumer. Life isn’t a marriage market, and women are not oranges or tomatoes to be picked over, squeezed, chosen, left in the bin, or disposed of. Women aren’t food scraps. We are human beings.

The first in my family to be divorced, I became the familial black sheep. It made no difference that I was not the one who committed the marital felony by initiating the divorce, but by being simply an accomplice, I had scribbled SHAME on the matrimonial clean slate. Over the past thirty years, divorce rates have doubled after more women have found the courage to step out of a relationship they don’t wish to continue. However, unreasonable judgments are used to shame these women for ending their marriages. The choice to leave a marriage should not be a reason to decide a woman’s character. After all, isn’t divorce is just a glorified breakup with an extra certificate?

Feeling like a failure after divorce is fairly normal because it has its roots in lessons you learned from a very young age. When you first started school, you were taught to view tasks, tests, and homework as things you either passed or failed. To pass, you just had to do things well enough compared to the rest of your class. To fail, you either had to ignore the assignment or display a complete lack of effort and/or understanding. When you overlay this training on a failed marriage, it’s way too easy to reach the conclusion that you must be a failure because you’re divorced. And that’s where feeling the accompanying shame comes in.

The experience of a marriage doesn’t suddenly depreciate a woman’s value. Divorced women are still the same person, albeit more knowledgeable, after a breakup. They are giving themselves a chance to restart and find happiness after a disappointing relationship, much like women who broke up with their partners without marriage. Both have left a relationship to improve themselves, both are seeking the right path in their lives, and both are healing from the pain their last relationships might have caused.

According to the “social criteria”, if a woman has the added factor of being married before compared to those who weren’t, they are considered as “used” and “second-handed”. It’s as if divorced women are worn out, like toys or clothes. The term “used” is to claim that the previous partner of hers has utilized her completely. However, by being “used”, it also meant that the woman has been through a marriage and experienced what married life is like. She has learned and encountered the responsibilities and complications of being a wife. She knows what they should do as a married couple to create a happy environment for the household. Now that her marriage has ended, she probably knows what a happy married life should be. She can guide through the rights and wrongs of a married relationship.

Self-worth is a constant conversation most women have with themselves, but one that I have grappled with all my life. You don’t realize that you are de-valuing yourself daily, and sometimes it takes something big to happen for you to sit up and see your life for what it is and do something about it. Never forget your values, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

For many a meal, leftovers are even better the second time around because they are “planned-overs.” Some dishes improve over time because they include a multitude of ingredients, each one with distinct aromatic property that adds additional flavors to a dish. Maybe you are just beginning to marinate a new relationship. I encourage you to mingle together and develop a seasoned taste. Relationships, like food, need to mellow for the flavors to expand. Remember, it is not leftovers that are wasteful, but the ones who don’t know what to do with them that are.