Mentally Paused

During your menopausal journey, it can be hard to find something to laugh about at times. Everyone knows that women menstruate, but as a society, we’ve generally figured out how to make that invisible. Menopause is equally invisible until a woman enters it, and then your body demands that you pay attention to it. Menopause is one of those words we stash away for later use. Before it happens, it remains a distant, far-off land that you will pass through at some point, when you are much, much older, and usually without advance reading. Since all the war stories I heard beforehand of pregnancy and childbirth were mere cliff notes of how awful those turned out to be, I’ve learned firsthand that the infamous era of hot flashes is a one-way ticket to hell both physically and mentally.

I don’t recall a lot these days, but I do remember the day my menopause started. I woke up from a deep sleep drenched in deep pouring sweat – the type that pools on the flesh and soaks down to the mattress. My body was bloated, and it took all my energy just to get out of bed. After a laborious shower, I got dressed for work. I left the house, and as I backed out of the driveway, I looked in my rear-view mirror. What I saw shocked me. I saw the longest black hair sprouting from the middle of my chin and I was horrified. Where did this come from? How long has it been there? Why didn’t I see it when I put on my makeup every day, and why the hell didn’t my husband say anything? From that day forward, I vowed to never leave home without a magnifying mirror and a pair of good tweezers. Trust me when I say that not all tweezers are made equally, and may God help the person who borrows or misplaces mine. I’d rather give you a kidney than let you use my beloved pair.

Menopause not only affects our hormones and physiology, but it also affects our mood, outlook, and emotions. Forgetfulness, night sweats, irritability, slower metabolism, loss of energy, and sexual desire are just a few of the challenges we face as we enter menopause. Don’t even get me started on accelerated aging which can cause osteoporosis, heart disease, and cognitive decline. It turns out that menopause has more symptoms than the Kardashians have Instagram followers.

I was absolutely, utterly, and totally clueless about menopause. I had never even heard of perimenopause. As I experienced some weird and scary symptoms, I was gob-smacked that here was this great important transition, and no one was talking about it! How on earth could something affecting 51% of the population directly and 100% of the population indirectly still be such a secret? I felt like I had fallen into a time warp back to the early eighties when I first got my period. In my house, there were no discussions about the birds and the bees. Everything I need to know, I learned on the school bus – yes, that included tampons.

The joke goes, “I don’t just have hot flashes, I have short private vacations in tropical-like conditions,” but menopause is no laughing matter. Hot flashes are like huge waves rolling onto shore, then crashing on the beach with an intensity that only someone who has experienced them can understand, but it is the brain fog and utter lack of motivation that shocked me the most. I have been staring stupidly at a small pile of dirty clothing in my bathroom for three days. I stare stupidly at the pile because I just can’t pick up the clothes. I can’t explain the granite of that “can’t,” the way it feels impossible to beat. These days I’m in a constant state of being mentally paused.

We cannot just ignore menopause or get advice from someone who has never experienced it. While I have never had a conversation with my mother about periods, childbirth, or anything really that affects women, I am lucky to have fellow Gen Xers where no topic is off-limits. We may find ourselves waking up sweaty, smelly, and completely exhausted repeatedly, but we also remind each other that we’re still hot – even if it’s just in flashes. And not to brag or anything, but not just anyone can forget what they’re doing while they’re doing it. While I don’t stand in front of the mirror chanting a menopausal mantra every morning, I have learned to cut myself some slack. Anyway, I’ve always thought facial hair was kind of sexy. I just never thought I would be the one with the beard.