Marriage … You’re in it for life in theory. “Wait — this is your third wife? Oh my God! Why do you keep getting married? What’s the point of getting married?”
There is just something you feel from people when they realize you are not the first wife; like you are the consolation prize, only second place, or worse, the reason there is no first wife anymore. One of the disadvantages of not being the first wife is that for some reason, people are far less accepting of you.
Being a second wife to a married man can be overwhelming, and if you are not cautious enough, you might find yourself stuck in a loop of insecurities. A second wife might ask of herself, what it was about the first that he loved. She might even worry that if he lost interest in his first wife that he will also lose interest in her. But second doesn't have to mean second best.
My husband’s first two marriages came out of a deep love, but they also came out of something deeply flawed: A sense of obligation. Our own marriage came from a different place: He really wanted it, and the only obligation he had was to his own desires. Selfishly we didn’t have to worry about the demands of starting a new career, the stress of birthing and raising children, or the need to have alone time. We enjoy being together simply because we are friends. Our only shared role is to be good partners which means encouraging personal autonomy. There are no scorecards.
You might be wondering what my reasons were for being open to marrying a guy who’s been divorced twice. I suppose the same qualities that made me so right for him made him so right for me. I come from chaos: My family is the poster child for dysfunction. I understand very well that how someone appears to be on the surface is often never even close to the real story below. Judging someone is an entirely superficial and socially imposed status designation. Failure, dysfunction, and lessons learned are how people succeed in life. To discount someone based on their past failings would be both trivial and short-sighted.
But let’s be real. There are still many questions that you need to ask yourself if you are going to become the third wife. Will he drop you when things get tough? Are some people just not meant to stay married, and will they just keep making the same mistakes over and over?
What I have learned, and maybe this helps because there was another wife between us, is that David’s first wife and I have one very important thing in common. We love the family. It's not my story. It’s our story, and there are a lot of chapters still left to write. Just because you loved the same person at different times is no reason to be jealous or resentful. Your goal is the same. To love all the players in it.
I may be the third wife, but if David and I make each other our first priority, I’m guaranteed to be the last. Well, that and he can’t afford to get divorced again. And that is security enough for me.
My Big Fat Greek Meditteranean Couscous Salad
INGREDIENTS
- 1 1/2 pounds ripe tomatoes of any size, diced (I remove the seeds)
- 1 large English cucumber or 4 petite cucumbers, diced
- 3 cups cooked, rinsed chickpeas, white beans, or a mix (homemade or from two 15-ounce cans)
- 6 ounces pearled couscous, cooked and drained
- 3/4 cup coarsely chopped parsley leaves and stems
- 6 ounces Feta, coarsely chopped or crumbled
- 1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
- 1/2 cup kalamata olives, torn in half and pitted
- 4 tablespoons drained capers
- 1 lemon juiced, or more to taste
- 3 garlic cloves, finely minced
- Kosher salt and cracked black pepper
INSTRUCTIONS
- In a large bowl, add tomatoes and a healthy pinch of kosher salt. Let sit for five minutes.
- Add all of the ingredients with the exception of feta to the tomatoes. Season heavily with fresh cracked pepper and stir. Let sit for 10 minutes or up to 2 hours at room temperature.
- Before serving, taste and add feta, more salt, and lemon juice until it tastes bright. The balance is largely dependent on your tomatoes. (This salad keeps for up to 4 days in the refrigerator. Bring to room temperature before serving.)
