Parent Trap

If you grew up with a sibling, chances are, you were not immune to comparisons in the house. Comparison among siblings is so naturally practiced in households, that it isn’t even given a second thought. In a competitive world where parents often compare their own children with others’, the comparison is bound to make its way home, too. Despite growing up in the same house, sharing similar genes (and jeans), and having the same opportunities, challenges, and exposure, siblings are more often than not, quite different from one another. Right from childhood, their habits, mannerisms, milestones, and journeys are compared, especially in their prime growing years. Comparison among report cards, teachers’ feedback, performance in extracurricular activities, social skills, and personal development all come under scrutiny, with absolutely no guarantee that the comparison will eventually end after they grow up.

As a young adult, I had dreams of having a large family. I knew as the middle of three girls where there were a lot of comparisons, I would try to parent thoughtfully. My son Henry was the textbook first-born. He sang his ABCs on his first birthday, started reading at 3, and ended every sentence with “Yes, Ma’am.” From the day Claude was born, he was a very different child. I worried that he was not reaching developmental milestones according to my expectations.

It wasn’t that he was doing better or worse than Henry; it was that he was doing things differently — different in comparison to his big brother. In arriving first, Henry had set a baseline against which we measured him. Whereas Claude was clever, curious, and not afraid of consequences, Henry was sensitive, reserved, and a strict rule follower.

Even though I was not verbally comparing the two, I was subconsciously judging them which wasn’t to the advantage of either one of them. For wouldn’t it be better, fairer, to go through life without a measuring rod in the shape of your sibling? To be seen as you are, not how you appear in contrast to someone else?

Because if the way we see our children influences the way we treat them, then perhaps the opposite is also true: that a different view of our children can begin simply with a different way of speaking—both with them and about them.

Although it is human nature to compare, and while parents may have the best interest in doing so, they probably are causing more harm than good, when they expect their children to behave and perform the same. After all, despite the similarities and bonds, children are still individual identities, separate from one another, with different psychology, physical abilities, interests, and driving factors. It may not be a reasonable expectation to get rid of conscious and subconscious comparisons entirely. Healthy comparisons may boost a child’s motivation and push him/her to perform better. A sibling’s learning and journey may even act as an example, or opportunity to learn, but the thin line between healthy and unhealthy comparisons may well have completely different results. When comparisons are overpowered by judgments, expectations, or disappointments, they lead to impacts that may last for years to come and even end up shaping their identities.

So, what is the moral of the story? Remember to measure your children by their own yardstick—especially when realizing that we don’t always measure up ourselves.