Marriage … You’re in it for life in theory. “Wait — this is your third wife? Oh my God! Why do you keep getting married? What’s the point of getting married?”
There is just something you feel from people when they realize you are not the first wife; like you are the consolation prize, only second place, or worse, the reason there is no first wife anymore. One of the disadvantages of not being the first wife is that for some reason, people are far less accepting of you.
Being a second wife to a married man can be overwhelming, and if you are not cautious enough, you might find yourself stuck in a loop of insecurities. A second wife might ask of herself, what it was about the first that he loved. She might even worry that if he lost interest in his first wife that he will also lose interest in her. But second doesn't have to mean second best.
My husband’s first two marriages came out of a deep love, but they also came out of something deeply flawed: A sense of obligation. Our own marriage came from a different place: He really wanted it, and the only obligation he had was to his own desires. Selfishly we didn’t have to worry about the demands of starting a new career, the stress of birthing and raising children, or the need to have alone time. We enjoy being together simply because we are friends. Our only shared role is to be good partners which means encouraging personal autonomy. There are no scorecards.
You might be wondering what my reasons were for being open to marrying a guy who’s been divorced twice. I suppose the same qualities that made me so right for him made him so right for me. I come from chaos: My family is the poster child for dysfunction. I understand very well that how someone appears to be on the surface is often never even close to the real story below. Judging someone is an entirely superficial and socially imposed status designation. Failure, dysfunction, and lessons learned are how people succeed in life. To discount someone based on their past failings would be both trivial and short-sighted.
But let’s be real. There are still many questions that you need to ask yourself if you are going to become the third wife. Will he drop you when things get tough? Are some people just not meant to stay married, and will they just keep making the same mistakes over and over?
What I have learned, and maybe this helps because there was another wife between us, is that David’s first wife and I have one very important thing in common. We love the family. It's not my story. It’s our story, and there are a lot of chapters still left to write. Just because you loved the same person at different times is no reason to be jealous or resentful. Your goal is the same. To love all the players in it.
I may be the third wife, but if David and I make each other our first priority, I’m guaranteed to be the last. Well, that and he can’t afford to get divorced again. And that is security enough for me.
Broccoli and Potato Soup
Just like some marriages, this soup is even better the second or third time around.
INGREDIENTS
- 4 Tbsp butter
- 1 medium yellow onion, diced
- 4 cloves garlic, finely chopped or minced (I used a whole bulb, and I'm not sorry about it)
- 1 Tbsp smoked paprika
- 1 Tbsp dry mustard
- 1 tsp kosher salt, divided
- 1/4 tsp freshly cracked black pepper
- 1/8 tsp cayenne pepper
- 1/3 cup all-purpose flour
- 4 cups chicken broth
- 3 large white russet potatoes cubed
- 1 large head of broccoli (or two medium), use florets and stems
- 3 cups heavy whipping cream or half & half (whole milk will work, too)
- 1 cup hand-shredded sharp cheddar cheese*
- Kosher salt and cracked black pepper, to taste
INSTRUCTIONS
- Heat butter in a dutch oven. Add the diced onions and sauté over medium until the onions are soft and translucent about 5 min. Add garlic and stirring often cook for 2 minutes. Add the paprika, dry mustard, half of the salt, pepper, and cayenne pepper, mix thoroughly.
- Add flour and continue to sauté for about 2 minutes more, or until the flour is coating the bottom of the pot and is a light golden brown color.
- Add the chicken broth and whisk to dissolve all the flour off the bottom of the pot. Turn the heat up to medium-high. Add potatoes and cook until just fork tender (about 5-6 minutes).
- Remove ½ of the soup and add to a blender. Pulse for 30-45 seconds. Return to soup pot. If you would like a chunkier soup, you can skip this step.
- Turn the heat back down to low and whisk in the cream and the remaining half of salt. Allow the broth to come back up to a simmer.
- Chop the broccoli into spoon-sized small pieces. Peel the remaining stalk and chop into small bites. Add broccoli to the dutch oven. Cover and cook for 10-12 minutes, or until the broccoli is softened.
- Finally, turn the heat down to low. Taste the soup and add salt if needed. At this point you can add cheese to the soup in small amounts until well blended; however, I find that it is perfect as is. I typically top individual bowls with the cheese.
- *Do not use packaged shredded cheese that contains a film to extend shelf life. It will not melt as well as the cheese that you shred yourself.
