Most of us have met our fair share of schoolyard bullies, office tormenters, and generally unpleasant people. More insidious are the ones that you don’t see coming; the ones that play one person off another, say one thing to your face and something else to the next person. Sometimes you never even notice the effect they have, even when you have been taken advantage of. The term Machiavellianism is a homage of sorts to Niccolò Machiavelli. Nicolo’s claim to fame was to write a book called The Prince, which gave a forthright account of how to go about acquiring and maintaining political power. He wrote this book in Italy, during the Renaissance, and managed to make himself quite unpopular at the time. Apparently being honest about how wealth and power actually work doesn’t make you popular with the rich and powerful.
From a social psychology perspective, Machiavellianism is characterized by the manipulation and exploitation of others, a disregard of morality, and a focus on self-interest. You may at this point be thinking this reminds you of someone. Here in the South where words like Machiavellianism are too hard to pronounce, we refer to these types of people as pot-stirrers. Someone who is an opportunist and usually use tools such as guided deceit to create a big fat recipe for disaster.
Unfortunately, most of us know a few “chefs,” who just love instigating problems, arguments, spreading rumors, and gossip. These pot-stirrers seem to live for and thrive off the things not going perfectly for other people. They tend to create tension, negativity, or drama for their own entertainment. Realistically, some of you reading may even play the role of “master chef” and if so, I urge you to hang up your apron. Why? Because it’s been an extra rough year for many people around the world. Life is hard enough without being prompted.
There are some people who will continue to stir things up. Their agenda is to wreak havoc on your peace of mind. Growing up I had one friend who constantly had her hand on the spoon. She lived for creating chaos. At the moment she could appear to be helpful under the guise of genuine concern. It’s like the child who reports on what her sibling did because “she’s worried about him.” But her constant meddling led to devasting results for others and consequentially left her abandoned by good people who tired of her manipulation. Perhaps some still continue to let her stay in their social circle, but does anyone really trust her anymore? All these years later, the only thing I have to say her is congratulations on your ability to create drama out of absolutely nothing.
First off, people who love spreading gossip and or creating drama, need an audience to talk about it with, so as an active listener, you may not be stirring the pot, but you’re handing them the spoon. If you’re not part of the solution, own that you’re part of the problem. Secondly, if they are comfortable talking to you about others, keep in mind, there’s a chance they are talking about you to others, too. Shut the conversation down and steer it in a more compassionate or productive direction. Once the pot-stirrer notices you’re not engaging, they will either adjust to follow your lead and discuss other topics or they will be the ones to distance themselves from you – a victory for you either way.
I continue to see pot-stirrers every day all around us, and honestly, I used to be manipulated by them a lot. I inherently want to believe in the honesty of others. They don’t generally ruin anything completely, but they do enough damage to cause stress and confusion which can get in the way of you doing your best work. So how do you deal with the pot-stirrers in your life? Set your boundaries. Declare behind-the-scenes chit-chat off-limits. Don’t ever get into gossiping with them. Never. Stop inviting them to your table; it’s better to eat alone than eat in bad company. It’s hard to pinpoint why some people are regular pot-stirrers, perhaps it’s insecurity, boredom, fear, a lack of purpose in their life, but it’s not necessarily your job to figure that out. If someone is repeatedly creating drama, cut your losses, and move on. That may sound cold but if someone keeps bringing heat into your life, don’t feel guilty for prioritizing your own mental well-being.
For those of you who like to stir the pot, you should know what you're cooking before you get burned. For all others, don’t let the pot-stirrers in your world get you hot. Don’t be fooled by them either. Their play to be your “special advocate’ is generally hollow. Remember, EVERY ingredient in your dish is important. Combined properly and inspired toward shared goals, these ingredients simmer and combine to create something deeper, richer, heartier, healthier, and more flavorful. And to those of you who like to stir garbage into the pot, I think you should also have to lick the spoon.
Steamed Clam-Up Already
INGREDIENTS
- 3 tablespoons butter divided
- 1/4 cup minced garlic
- 1/4 cup chopped green onion
- 2 pounds small clams or cockles
- 1 1/2 cups white wine
- 2 chicken bouillon cubes with 1 1/2 cups water or 1 1/2 cups chicken broth
- juice of 1/2 lemon
- 1/2 cup cream or half and half
- Chopped parsley for garnish
INSTRUCTIONS
- In a large sauté pan over medium heat, melt 2 tablespoons of butter. Add the garlic and green onion and cook for 3-5 minutes or until softened, stirring occasionally. Add the cockles and cook for another 5 minutes.
- Add the white wine and bouillon cubes with water or the chicken broth. Bring to a boil then reduce to a rolling simmer and cook until the clams open up, stirring occasionally.
- Remove from the heat and stir in the lemon juice. Add the remaining tablespoon of butter and the cream and stir. Garnish with parsley and serve immediately. Serve with sourdough bread.
