Somewhere In The Middle

When planning tonight’s dinner, my mind nostalgically drifted to The Brady Bunch – specifically Peter Brady’s Bogart impression of “Pork Chops and Applesauce.” Peter was desperately trying to find a new identity after being told by a friend that he was dull. Mrs. Brady’s response? “Peter. it’s not your new personality, it’s Humphrey Bogart’s old one.” Sadly, I couldn’t remember Peter’s name on the show either. I immediately recalled Greg and Bobby, but Peter? I had to Google it. Oh, the irony.

Middle children tend to get lost in the sibling shuffle. Being the middle of three girls, I identified with characters like Peter, and more specifically, Jan. The middle never experiences anything first like the overachieving eldest, and we don't hog the spotlight like the attention-seeking lastborn. In turn, we often feel excluded, misunderstood, and disposable.

Middle Child Syndrome often leaves us without a sense of place within the family. It’s not surprising so many of us suffer from the birth order blues. Statistically, middle children are also more agreeable and mild-mannered, since they must often compromise throughout life. A lot of the time, middle children end up deferring to the oldest's wants and the youngest's needs, and as adults, middle children tend to hold onto those same people-pleasing tendencies.

One of the most reenacted scenes from ‘The Brady Bunch’ comes from the other often anguished middle child Jan. Complaining about being in her older sister’s shadow, she cries “Well all I hear all day long is how great Marcia is at this, or how wonderful Marcia did that. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!” Being in the middle of anything is to literally be blocked by the view, so it is understandable for us to want to be seen.

Jan Brady is more than an iconic character, she has become the poster child/stereotype for middle children in America who are portrayed as less than other siblings.

The oldest children have a special place within the family unit of experiencing everything first. And when the baby of the family enters parents feel nostalgic toward the ‘last time’ for firsts. I grew up with the knowledge that I occupied an uncertain position in my parents’ affections. There was an event during our family’s annual road trip to Hilton Head that sealed the deal. My “seat” in the car was the limited space on top of the luggage.

“At the time, I thought, ‘Oh my god, maybe I am my parents’ favorite child because I’m always so amenable,” but years later, I realized there was no seat belt for the middle in the back seat. I was the sacrificial lamb.

According to studies, the rise of the micro family heralds the demise of mankind’s most populous birth order. Middleborns, like the snow leopard and the black-flanked rock wallaby, are an endangered species.

But if middleborns were to disappear, though, would anyone care? What few people realize is middle children are more likely to successfully effect change in the world than any other birth order. It is so often the case with middles, they’re perennially underestimated. For instance, while it’s often pointed out that 36% of US presidents have been firstborns, it’s overlooked that 52% of them have been middleborns.

It’s this multiplicity of the middle’s gaze – upwards to elders, downwards to younger, and outwards to peers – that endows this birth order with a specific set of attributes such as resilience, sociability, empathy, and self-reliance that ensures they’re poised for success.

Perhaps it’s time for us to think about all our children – firsts, lasts, in-betweens and onlys – differently. Attention should never be too little, nor too much. It is always best when it’s somewhere in the middle.