Spilling Secrets

It hurts to keep secrets. It's not only that you must hide it, but you also have to live with it. It's our tendency to mind-wander our secrets and ruminate on them so much that it can seriously impact our mental and physical well-being. Simply thinking about a secret can make us feel inauthentic. Having a secret return to mind, time and time again can be exhausting. Just thinking about a secret can make us feel isolated and alone, and its constant vigilance and concealment can be depleting.

It is true that every family has its share; however, it is the content of the secret that really counts. Traumatic, painful, or life-changing ones can potentially damage one's mental and physical well-being. For almost four decades, I hid behind mine. Over time, these secrets became embedded in my skin. I discovered a world of reckless behavior that led to self-loathing. Safeguarding my secrets for protection had imprisoned me; shame and guilt had crippled me. My fear of being discovered was all-consuming, and I was too afraid to ask for help. In many, if not most cases, what is going on is that the keeper is so ashamed of themselves that they believe everyone else must feel the same way about them. You hate yourself so much you feel that no one can ever love you; we are our own worst critics. When I turned 50. I'm not sure what was so pivotal about 50, perhaps a new marriage or the fact that I was on the downward side of the hill, but I knew that if I didn't ask for help, I would never see 51.

Keeping traumatic secrets can result in excessive stress and guilt for the person carrying the burden of knowledge, even when that silence is thought to be the best possible option for all concerned.  The act of confiding a secret can feel cathartic and relieving. But mere catharsis is not enough. When confiding a secret, what is helpful is the conversation that follows. People report that when sharing a secret with another person, they often receive emotional support, useful guidance, and helpful advice. These forms of support make people feel more confident and capable of coping with the secret. When people find a healthier way of thinking about their secret, they ruminate less on it and have improved well-being. Studies suggest that what is important about a secret is talking to another person about it. A single conversation can lead to a healthier outlook and mind.

Once I was able to rid my brain of the secrets, a peace of mindset happened. My therapist didn't judge me and my real friends didn't walk away. In fact, my peripheral friends became real friends because I was not only able to share my story with others but I encouraged them to share there's as well. I became the safe space that I looked for in others. My life only improved when I was willing to take chances, and the first and most difficult risk I could take was to be honest with myself.

In all our relationships, honesty is one of the foundations that make our relationships stronger and have the ability to withstand everything. In fact, being honest says more about your character and your values than anything else. When you have honesty, it means people can trust you with absolutely anything and everything - including their secrets. When honesty is one of your core values as a person, you become more authentic - both towards yourself and others. It's easy to put up a mask or a facade and be someone you're not. Honesty pushes you to be true to yourself. And there's a lot of bravery in that decision.

Honesty is not just about telling the truth. It’s about being real with yourself and others about who you are, and what you want and need to live an authentic life. Honesty promotes openness, empowers us, and enables us to develop consistency in how we present the facts. Honesty sharpens our perception and allows us to observe everything around us with clarity.

The worst type of lying we practice, in order to deceive, is when we lie to ourselves. We start messing around with our concept of morality, right and wrong, as well as our dreams and desires. Times that I lied in order to do something that I knew was wrong, I could feel it. My inner core warred and rebelled against what I was mentally committing to doing because it was in contrast to who I really am.

When I look back on it, every time I lied (that I can recall) I was trying to excuse or misrepresent my own shortcomings or to compensate for something. I was trying to pursue a sinful desire that would only, at best, produce temporary pleasure. Lies I told were often due to a lack of effort, positive morals, or thoughts.

Other times, I was convincing myself I wasn’t good enough or able to do something my heart was really set on. Lying or presuming I knew something I didn’t really know was the easy path. This discouraging thought manifested itself in ways that I couldn’t possibly perceive at the time. It set me back by delaying the pursuit of my dreams. It took away my ability to take chances that my heart was willing to take but my mind was blocking me from taking.

Despite its temptation, ease of use, and false promises, lying gets us nowhere in the end. We stay right in our own tracks or much worse, go backward. Now that I am officially over the hill, the only direction left for me is forward. And if you need someone to share your secrets with, I've been told I'm pretty good at keeping them.