If you are a northerner you have inevitably thought about moving to the south to warmer weather and away from, well, everything else. But just like preparing yourself for a newborn, you will need to educate yourself for your new role before the event actually happens. Never fear. I have created a welcome manual with a few tips that will help you transition into southern ways.
First, you are going to need to get used to hearing proper English. After hearing words pronounced incorrectly all your life you may feel like you are in a foreign country. The letter “r” is used often in words so you will need to get used to that, but “ing” at the end of a word is hardly ever used. Syllables have no place in the southern lexicon because conversations are never rushed. Nothing is more important than asking how someone’s momma and daddy are doing, and when someone says, “how are you?” they are expecting a full answer. We are never in a hurry, so just give it some time and you’ll be communicating like a native in no time.
Now being up north has probably made you a little angry which may have left you aggressive and rude. Sort of like a bear coming out of hibernation. We understand that down here in the south, and we are tolerant to a point. Your momma may have told you that politeness was a weakness but remember that your momma is a Yankee. If you get the idea that your aggressive, rude behavior may give you some type of competitive edge, just remember that there are more guns than people in the south. Plus, plenty of wide-open spaces to bury you. Don’t worry, I’ve also written a 100-page supplement on manners which is considered required reading.
Waving is a southern tradition; sort of like cursing is in the north. When someone waves at you they are not indicating that they need help, so you don’t need to ignore them. Instead, wave back. If you don’t you will be seen as rude – in which case, you should refer back to my point about the guns and wide-open spaces.
While we are on the topic of guns, in the north only the mafia, gang members, and the police carry them. Down here we all have guns. It is not unusual at all for a 10-year-old boy to get a shotgun for his birthday. You are just as likely to find your girlfriend’s .38 Special in her pocketbook as a tube of pink lipstick. We believe that gun control is when you use both hands to aim. Keep this in mind the next time you get the urge to honk at the guy in front of you.
Here there are two holy days in the week – Friday night football and Sunday morning worship. Sunday is for the Lord, and if you are absent from church, be prepared for an appointed member to show up at your door with a casserole assuming you must be ill. Football, on the other hand, is for the Hail Mary – the same casserole protocol applies. However, neighbors showing up with food unannounced is not relegated to a specific event, and when they do, this is not a trick- I repeat this is not a trick. It’s called being thoughtful.
If you live near the coast down here in the south, you will no doubt be introduced to what we call a hurricane. Southerners are known to wrestle live alligators and hunt wild hogs with just a knife. In other words, they don’t scare easily. I say this to drive home the point that if you see southerners evacuating then something bad is definitely about to happen. A hurricane is like a bad redneck marriage. It is almost certain that someone’s going to lose a trailer. After it is all over you will see a phenomenon that you have probably never seen in your life. People helping other people for no reason at all. Don’t worry, it is contagious, but it will not kill you.
Be advised, ya’ll (both singular and plural) is the only appropriate pronoun, all drinks are referred to as Coke, you only use Duke’s mayonnaise, and the phrase “Bless your heart” has many meanings. The last one, unfortunately, you will figure it out on your own.
Don’t talk about how nice it is up north or how much you miss home. You never hear refugees do that and neither should you. Keep in mind that many of us have visited the north. Why do you think we make fun of you? Just enjoy your new surroundings. We have everything you need here. Fresh air, mild winters, plenty of waterfronts, mountains, sunshine and so much more. Plus you can join us in making fun of Yankees. After all, that is sort of the best part!
Now if you are young enough to have escaped the north at a young age you are going to want to know a little bit about southern girls.
- You don’t have to pay them for a date. Remember, you are in the south now.
- No cursing. Remember, this is a southern girl, not your mother.
- Don’t tell her where you are from. If you have to just say you are from Canada.
- Prenuptial agreements are useless. Remember, she owns a gun and her father most likely has some acreage purchased for just such an event. Again see paragraph #4.
Being Southern isn’t talking with an accent, drinking sweet tea, or rocking on a front porch. You respect others, are polite to a fault, know your place but are fierce about your beliefs, and understand food along with football is a religious experience. Once you have finally settled in, you are now part of a greater family, and here, family is not just an important thing, it’s everything. With Southerners, family (blood kin or not) is sacred. As long as you remember the five Fs – faith, family, friends, fried food, and football – you’re going to fit right in.
