This is what my drepression looked like today.
Today is the day someone will lose their battle with depression. They may have had a string of bad days stretching back a length of time that seems too long. They couldn’t let it go. For them, there will be no tomorrow.
For most of us when faced with that feeling at the end of the day, we simply say to ourselves, “there’s always tomorrow.” But suffering with mental health issues since I was a small child, I have had many moments over the course of my life when I thought, “God, I cannot handle one more day.” For people with chronic depression, there is no space at the bottom of their life’s to-do list that says, “Make this stop.”
Whether it is genetics, environment, or sibling placement (or perhaps all three), I have struggled with depression that reoccurs when I least expect it. Sometimes the guilt can be so overbearing that I struggle day to day with letting go of the self-loathing that tags along with it. It’s dreadfully hard to explain how depression really feels. Depression knows no age nor race, no religion nor gender. It is an equal opportunity disease.
I’ve had a lot of thinking to do over the years, and once I reached 50, I had to reevaluate my attitudes towards my own mental abilities. I’ve always thought that with the right attitude you could overcome slumps in mood and motivation. As an articulate person, I kind of feel as though it is somewhat my duty to try and help others understand what I’ve been through. My stories are my way of exposing what depression looks like – a coworker, friend, neighbor, your sister – someone that looks just like you. Depression is a battle you fight one day at a time, and while it is mentally and physically exhausting, only one of you will win. Having a support system helps make the blows a little easier to tolerate. One person can be a lifeline. Together, you can weather through one more day.
One of the biggest problems I’ve had is justifying to myself that it’s okay to take a break when it’s all too much. Take whatever time you need to reset your mental health. I know how hard it is to allow yourself that freedom. I’ve been so overwhelmed and upset by the fact that there are days I can’t get myself out of bed or I just can’t face going to work that it has spiraled me into lower than lows. Ironically, trying to force yourself to do more will end up causing you to do less; besides — nothing is more important than self-care. You can’t change the world until you’ve made sure you’re healthy enough to do it.
When you feel like you can’t face today, just keep breathing. Try to let go of the guilt. If I could give one piece of advice to anyone new suffering from depression, it's this. There should be only one thing on top of your checklist every day — look after yourself.
Your energy will return, and the darkness will lift. You will smile and laugh and love again. You may feel lonely, but you are not alone. If you can just make it through today, I promise, tomorrow will take care of itself.
