I’ve been given lots of nicknames in my life – Xandy, Xanadu, Xandora, Xando, X, and most recently, Xanna. Out of all of them, Xanna is by far my favorite. It is the name five precious little people use when referring to me. I have been married to their grandfather since before they were born. Ironically, my husband had a step-grandfather, too, which was very unique for his age. David has helped me navigate some tricky waters and only remembers thinking of Mickey as his “real” grandfather.
Stepfamilies come in all shapes and sizes. Whatever your situation, being a step-grandparent can be extremely rewarding, but may also be a difficult road to navigate.
The role of a grandparent and what it entails differs depending on the type of relationship you have with your step-grandchildren and their biological parents, and how involved you want to be in their lives.
You’ll soon create a role for yourself, one that may differ from the roles of other grandparents and step-grandparents, so don’t compare yourself to those in similar positions.
While being a step-grandparent can be challenging, there are ultimately no set rules or codes of conduct. The trick is to take each day as it comes, assess the situation at hand, and put as much effort as you can into building up a level of trust between you and your step-grandchildren. If, however, you're worried about drowning in a sea of step-grandparenting politics, some dos and don'ts may include:
Dos:
- Be around whenever you can.
- Learn to accept your step-grandchild as your own.
- Tread carefully, particularly when it comes to the parents or biological grandparents.
- Build a strong relationship with the biological parents and grandparents, if possible.
- Take each situation as it comes.
- Learn as you go along (no one is perfect).
Don'ts:
- Be competitive with the biological grandparents.
- Be judgmental.
- Assume that you'll be called 'Grandma' or 'Grandpa'.
- Force a connection with a step-grandchild when they may just need space and time.
As a step-grandparent, you may not feel like a ‘proper’ grandparent, which may lead you to want a grandparent's name. Yes, being called ‘Gran’ or ‘Nana’ might make you feel a little more involved, but the relationship you have with your step-grandchildren is ultimately more important than this.
In the event that your step-grandchildren don’t want to call you by a grandparent name (which is common with children who have two sets of biological grandparents), try not to be upset or offended. This won’t mean that your role as a grandparent figure is any less important.
Try not to assume you’ll receive a grandparent title - it’ll just be a wonderful bonus if you do!
Make sure that you know and understand your role within the family dynamic so that you don't overstep any boundaries.
Building a strong relationship with the biological parent of your step-grandchildren is a great place to start, as this will assure them that you are trustworthy when it comes to offering support and caring for the child. This is especially important in cases where a child may have already had to negotiate a relationship with a step-parent. Change can be overwhelming for children no matter their age, so it is important to tread carefully and not rush them, especially if the child is older.
The younger a step-grandchild is, the easier it is for you to fall naturally into their lives as a grandparent. Older children may take a little more time to accept you, so you may need to be a bit more patient, but it will be just as rewarding when they do.
It’s also vital to have a strong relationship with the children’s biological grandparents and to let them know just how involved you’d like to be. If there are no other grandparents in the picture, just show the parents what a great-grandparent figure you can be.
First and foremost, don't worry. Don't feel guilty if it takes a while for you to adjust to having step-grandchildren, and remember that relationships take time to evolve. You're certainly not alone.
However, make sure that you do not overtly exercise favoritism - make sure all your grandchildren, step or biological, feel as loved and as cared for as each other. This includes gift-giving and the amount of time you spend with each child.
In the end, no matter what role you assume, family is family and you don’t always get to choose them. However, having one more person to love and to be loved in return is all a child will hopefully remember.
Xanna's Zuppa Toscana Soup
INGREDIENTS
- 6 slices of thick-cut bacon, cooked
- 1-pound hot Italian ground sausage
- 2 tablespoons butter
- 1/2 onion, diced
- 1 whole head of garlic, minced (at least 6 cloves)
- 1 tsp dried rosemary
- 1 tsp dried thyme
- 1 1/2 teaspoons salt
- 1 teaspoon black pepper
- 7 cups chicken broth
- 1 tablespoon chicken powder or 1 cubed bouillon
- 1 (14.5 ounces) can fire roasted tomatoes
- 2 1/12 pounds of yellow potatoes, unpeeled and cut into 1-inch pieces (or try gnocchi)
- 1 1/2 cups heavy cream
- 4 cups chopped kale
- Garnishes: chopped bacon and grated parmesan cheese
INGREDIENTS
- Cook bacon according to package directions and cut or crumble it into small pieces.
- In a large pot or Dutch oven, sauté sausage for 5-6 minutes until browned. Use a slotted spoon to transfer sausage to a plate and set aside.
- In the same pot, add butter and sauté onions over medium heat until translucent. Add garlic and saute for another minute until fragrant. Add cooked sausage back to the pot.
- Add rosemary, thyme, chicken broth, tomatoes, potatoes, salt, and pepper, and bring to a boil. Boil for 20 minutes or until the potatoes are tender. Stir in kale, and heavy cream. Taste and add salt and pepper if needed. Serve garnished with bacon crumbles and grated parmesan cheese if desired.
