Red-Hot Blue-Ribbon Texas Sirloin Chili

To anyone below the Mason-Dixon line, an impending snow forecast is similar to the zombie apocalypse. Either way, we respond the same; the world is coming to an end. Our friends to the North may be immune to the southern craze that comes with the occasional winter weather, but for us, this is when our disaster response training goes into overdrive.

While we do handle our winter weather differently compared to those up north, we tend to get made fun of for freaking out over the slightest chance of snow flurries. Northerners may think we are irrational for going to these extremes, but it is inherent in our DNA. So to help explain our reactions, I put together a side effects pamphlet similar to the one you receive with any new prescription. Proceed with caution.

• It is essential you rush to the grocery store in preparation for Snow Armageddon. This means getting a lifetime supply of bread and milk. A healthy diet of bread and milk is a necessity when it snows. If a second warning is issued, everyone and their dog jump in their car and rush to the grocery store, but they’d be too late. Bread? Gone. Milk? Gone. Water? Gone. Beer? Definitely gone. Full-blown panic attacks have been known to happen.
• We first call our mamas and then everyone else to see who has power. You may be thinking most people have generators in the South, but unless you are in immediate hurricane territory, you simply forget to buy one year after year. So, what happens when you start panicking about the stuff you just bought at the grocery store? You start stress cooking. Snow, even flurries, means lots of baking (enough to feed an army). If all else fails, there will be plenty of food to eat. No one will starve during Armageddon on our watch.
• To protect the people of the south from each other, roads get closed. We simply forget how to drive. Turn signals are seemingly nonexistent, there is no gradual stopping (only slamming on brakes), and right away laws are never recognized. It only gets worse the colder it gets. Driving Insanity is already embedded deep in our genes, but I'll let you try and tell anyone with a four-wheel-drive truck that the roads are closed. Challenge excepted. The word “snow” sends people into an anxiety-induced frenzy. We drive around as if the snow has changed the location of everything cursing Piggly Wiggly “When did they put a stop sign there?”
• We immediately bundle up. 28 degrees is no joke when you’re used to lows in the 40s. As soon as the temperature dips below 39 degrees, our southern belles turn into Eskimos. In the Midwest, this is when everyone may consider wearing pants instead of shorts. You do you, southerners! Beauty pageants are replaced by Snow Gear Fashion Shows. If there is even a hint of a possibility of snow next week, we pull out our heaviest jackets, warmest hats, fluffiest scarves, and don’t forget the mittens. The snow mania fashion show starts at least a week in advance.
• After checking in on our neighbors, we call everyone we know who lives out of town just to tell them we are getting snow. Then, we send them hundreds of pictures of our snow. If they live up north, they just say “that’s nice.” If we aren’t sitting out on the porch, bundled up in tens of layers, we are gazing out our windows. When you see the snow for half the year, curse it as you spend hours shoveling your driveway and scraping your car, you sometimes forget to enjoy the beauty of it all. This is where southerners have everyone beat. We truly enjoy watching the awe and wonder in the eyes of our children, even if it is from the warmth of our homes.
• Business shut down and schools close – this is even before the first flake falls. Cities in the south are not built to handle the snow and cold. Unlike those in the north with extra insulation and protected pipes, the south has done little to protect itself from extreme weather. As funny as this seems to those who live in the north, it is truly serious. Pipes burst; things break. The weatherman reports a chance of flurries, and you know what that means…no school for that day or possibly a week. Busses can’t possibly run when there’s flurries or half an inch of snow on the ground, and no mama would ever risk putting their baby on the road in a bus (see #3)
• We throw house parties. Snow means drinking for the adults. You must buy up all the alcohol insight because spending one day inside is too much to handle. The only way to pass the time is sipping on something preferably with all your neighbors and kids under one roof. No one wants to die alone.
• An emergency snow survival kit is in every Southerner's car. The kit includes blankets, food, a flashlight, heavy boots, big jackets, pillows, batteries, cables, and more food. (We just really don't want to starve to death.) This kit stays in the car year-round because we are too lazy to take everything out. This is when our husbands who were Boy Scouts really shine because if you are ever stuck in a ditch, you don't have to wait long for a friendly passerby to pull you out. A Southern man with a truck will have everything you need to get you out. His mama and the good Lord taught him to always help someone in need.

In the South, we love it when it snows. We get excited like little kids on Christmas morning. For us, we value each snow experience like it’s the last. The north may poke fun at its southern friends for shaking in light flurries now, but we will have our chance to make fun of them in the summer when they are dying in the heat.