I'm a mess, but I'm a self-aware mess— and that's okay.
Life can be complex and messy, and the Lord knows I have taken home the award for life's most complicated mess on more than one occasion. I believe in humanity, love, and the need for mankind to be loved. I'm a complex, glorious mess of humanness, and sometimes, that can get me into trouble.
I lived most of my life in a perfectionism paradox—the precarious space between surviving and living. Growing up in a dysfunctional home with a narcissistic parent skewed my view of normal behavior. I carried the secrets and lies of childhood around for decades. I fought the idea that I could be anything other than stupid, ugly, and a big fat disappointment.
Finding truth in the fact that the abuse that happened to me as a child had nothing to do with me was such a lightbulb moment. When I started to recognize that other people's failure wasn't a statement of my failure, I began to cope with the chaos around me. I stopped trying to control things beyond my means and leaned into the complexity of being human. I let go of the fear that I was unlovable because I had often been told I was.
As an adult survivor of child abuse, I'm not sure I'll ever be fully healed. Even as someone who lives life with a thankful heart for friends and family, there are times I come face-to-face with circumstances that instantly put me back into the body of a child who was neglected and verbally beaten down. Like me, many survivors of abuse react to things differently, live a little differently, and, therefore, handle life's uncomfortable moments differently.
It turns out that "normal" can also be abnormal. And for those of us doing the best we can to stop the legacy of abuse, being true to ourselves is the best gift we can give ourselves and the best kind of behavior we can model for others.
Until therapy, I was curious why I saw my childhood so differently from my sisters. I've always known I was a compassionate person, but in 2019, I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. I know what you're thinking. Who hasn't survived childhood unscathed?
Complex trauma forms in childhood, possibly even in infancy, and happens over time. It can develop as a result of physical or sexual abuse in childhood. Still, it can also stem from emotional neglect, which can be more insidious and more complex to understand and acknowledge.
The child who experiences this form of emotional neglect no doubt struggles with mental health. I was proactive early on in college, only to be misdiagnosed, labeled, and heavily medicated. As I aged, I grew weary of what prescriptions were doing to my body, but for someone with C-PTSD, sharing guarded information about yourself is terrifying. Finding the right person to share it with has been lifesaving.
While the phrase "love makes the world go round" is metaphorical, love is a powerful force that drives human connection, inspires positive actions, and creates a sense of meaning in life. Thus, love is a central element in how society functions and interacts. Love is essential in our lives and relationships.
There's no shame in surviving. No matter how that's defined for anyone reading this. Sometimes, waking up, getting dressed, and showing up for the new day takes a monumental effort. Not to mention accepting the feeling of being loved—or even wanted.
You may not be able to travel back in time, but you can heal the past in the present. You can also learn to cherish and manage your sensitivities rather than pushing yourself to adapt to a world that sometimes feels assaultive. I remind myself daily to cover the world in the brightness of my compassion and kindness because when life gets dark, I can be my own flashlight.
When people treat one another with love, life gets better. Love is the attraction force that propels and upholds human existence. So, when I read comments like: "Someone put this woman in a nursing home already," "Don't bullshit a bullshitter," and "You're a fraud," I remind myself that I've heard all this before and much, much worse. I was weaned on insults. If hurt people hurt people, I want that legacy to end with me. While the insults still make me sad, it also makes me determined to keep giving these hurt people love they may not have received. Life doesn't stop spinning because I've experienced trauma. However, if it should start to slow down, I promise to do my part to ensure it keeps going round and round.
Spiced Tumeric Chickpea Vegetable Stew
INGREDIENTS
- ¼ cup olive oil
- 4 garlic cloves, minced
- 1 large yellow onion, chopped
- 1 large carrot, finely chopped or grated
- 1 (2-inch) piece ginger, finely chopped
- 1 teaspoon kosher salt
- 1 teaspoon fresh cracked black pepper
- 2 teaspoons ground turmeric
- 1 ½ teaspoons red pepper flakes, plus more for serving
- 1 teaspoon ground cumin
- ½ teaspoon ground cardamom
- 2 (15-ounce) cans chickpeas, drained and rinsed
- 2 (15-ounce) cans full-fat coconut milk
- 3½ cups vegetable or chicken stock
- 4-5 cups Yukon gold potatoes, peeled and cubed into bite-sized pieces
- ½ bunch kale, collard green, Swiss chard, or spinach stems removed, torn/cut into bite-size pieces
- 2 limes, zested and juiced
- Garnish with mint leaves, plain Greek yogurt, and lime zest
INSTRUCTIONS
- Heat 1/4 cup oil in a large pot over medium. Add onion, carrot, garlic, and ginger. Season with salt and pepper, and cook, stirring occasionally, until the onion is translucent and the carrots are softened, 3 to 5 minutes.
- Add turmeric, red pepper flakes, cumin, cardamom, and chickpeas. Cook, stirring frequently, so the chickpeas sizzle and fry a bit in the spices and oil, until crisp, 8 to 10 minutes. Remove a cup of the chickpea mixture and set aside for garnish.
- Using a wooden spoon or spatula, crush the remaining chickpeas slightly to release their starchy insides. Add potatoes, stock, and coconut milk. Taste and season with more salt and pepper.
- Bring to a simmer, scraping up any bits that have formed on the bottom of the pot. Cook, stirring occasionally, until stew has thickened, 30 to 35 minutes. If you want the stew a bit thicker, keep simmering until you've reached your desired consistency.
- Add lime juice and greens making sure they’re submerged in the liquid. Cook until they wilt and soften, 3 to 7 minutes, depending on what you’re using. (Swiss chard and spinach will wilt and soften much faster than kale or collard greens.) Taste the seasoning and add more if desired.
- Divide among bowls and top with mint, reserved chickpeas, yogurt, lime zest, and red pepper flakes. Serve with warm naan or pita bread for dipping.
