Watch Your Mouth
I don’t read menus for ingredients. I don’t care what’s gluten-free, grass-fed, or sustainably sourced. I don’t scan for calories or prices or anything resembling restraint.
I read menus for warnings.
Tiny red chili icons. Bold font. All caps. Words like inferno, angry, or are you sure. If there’s an asterisk that leads to a footnote, I’m in. If the server pauses, lowers their voice, and says, “It’s… pretty hot,” I am already nodding like we’ve entered a legally binding agreement I did not read.
Here’s the problem.
My mouth is wildly overconfident.
My mouth believes in adventure. My mouth believes in personal growth. My mouth believes in one more bite just to be sure. My mouth says things like, “It’s not that hot,” and “We’ve had worse,” and the most dangerous phrase of all, “Worth it.”
The rest of my body is not consulted. Ever.
This is how it goes every single time.
The first bite is joy. Real joy. The kind where you lean back and think, See? I knew this would be fine. The second bite is confidence. The third bite is sweating and denial. By the fourth, my nose is running like I just watched a commercial about shelter dogs. Somewhere around bite five, an internal organ I didn’t know I had starts screaming and demanding legal representation.
My scalp sweats. My ears ring. My upper lip vibrates like it’s buffering. Time slows. Conversations fade. I stop listening and start bargaining.
Water is useless. Water is disrespectful. Beer helps briefly, then betrays you. Milk shows up late and acts shocked, like this is brand-new information.
At this point, the food is no longer food. It’s an experience. A trial. A very personal team-building exercise between your digestive system and your will to live.
And still — still — my mouth is having the absolute best time.
Because the mouth enjoys dinner. The mouth loves drama. The mouth is thrilled. And the mouth clocks out the second the plate is cleared. It wipes its hands, grabs a mint, and disappears into the night like nothing happened.
The rest of you handles the consequences.
And spicy food doesn’t just ruin an evening. It schedules a follow-up. A whole weekend of consequences. Plans canceled. Pants reconsidered. Furniture suddenly feels judgmental. You find yourself Googling things you don’t want tied to your name, your email address, or your IP.
And here’s the worst part: I never learn.
Every single time, I do it again. I lean in. I nod bravely. I insist I’m fine while my body is very clearly drafting a multi-page response with bullet points and supporting documentation.
So now, before the first bite, before the bravado, before the server walks away, someone who loves me inevitably leans in and says the thing I should have learned decades ago:
Watch your mouth.
Widow Maker White Chicken Chili
INGREDIENTS
- 2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
- 1 medium yellow onion, chopped
- 4 cloves garlic, minced
- 1 large jalapeño, seeded, if desired, and chopped
- 2 teaspoons ground cumin
- ½ teaspoon smoked paprika
- ½ teaspoon chili (or Chipotle chili) powder
- ½ teaspoon ground oregano
- ½ teaspoon ground coriander
- Dash of cayenne pepper or ½ teaspoon red pepper flakes (optional)
- kosher salt and black pepper
- 1½ pounds boneless, skinless, chicken breasts or thighs
- 6 cups low-sodium chicken broth
- 8 ounces of cream cheese, at room temperature
- ½ cup sour cream
- 2 (15.5 oz) cans of white beans, drained
- 1 cup salsa verde
- 1 (4.5 oz) can dice green chiles
- 1 cup shredded pepper jack cheese
- ½ cup fresh cilantro, chopped
- avocado, cheese, and sour cream, for serving
- lime zest and juice, for serving
Optional ingredients for a thicker soup
- 3 tablespoons butter
- 3 tablespoons flour
- 1 cup milk
- 1 chicken bouillon cube
INSTRUCTIONS
Stovetop Method
- Heat the olive oil in a large pot over medium heat. Add the onion and cook until fragrant, about 5 minutes. Stir in the garlic, jalapeno, cumin, paprika, chili powder, oregano, coriander, cayenne (if using), and a pinch each of salt and pepper. Cook 5-10 minutes, until very fragrant. Add the chicken, then stir in broth. Season with more salt and pepper. Partially cover and simmer over medium-low heat for 20 minutes, until the chicken is cooked through.
- Pull the chicken out and shred using 2 forks. Stir in the cream cheese until smooth, then stir in the shredded chicken, white beans, salsa verde, green chilies, sour cream, and cheese. Cook 5-10 minutes until the cheese is melted. Remove from the heat and stir in the cilantro. If needed, use butter, milk, and flour tips below.
- Ladle the chili into bowls. Top, as desired, with yogurt/sour cream, cheese, avocado, cilantro, and green onions. Zest lime over each bowl. Eat and enjoy!
Additional instructions for a thicker soup:
- An hour before serving, melt the butter in a small saucepan over medium-high heat. Once the butter melts, whisk in the flour. Whisk constantly, until the flour and butter brown lightly and thicken. Then, slowly whisk in the milk. Add in the chicken bouillon and continue to whisk as the sauce cooks and thickens and the bouillon cube breaks down for about 5 minutes.
- Remove the saucepan from heat and pour into the chicken chili.
Slow Cooker Method
- In the bowl of your crockpot, combine the onion, garlic, jalapeno, cumin, paprika, chili powder, oregano, coriander, and cayenne (if using). Add the chicken, then stir in 6 cups broth and cream cheese. Season with salt and pepper.
- Cover and cook on low for 6-7 hours or high for 4-5 hours.
- Shred the chicken using two forks. Stir in the white beans, salsa verde, green chilis, pepper jack cheese, sour cream and cilantro. Heat on low for another 30 min.
- Add optional thickening ingredients as listed in stove instructions and stir until combined.
- Ladle the chili into bowls. Top, as desired.
